Ni hen piao liang
by KatFisch
Summary: This is chapter 9 of Clockwork Prince through Jem's lovely silver eyes.
1. Ni hen piao liang

**I finished reading Clockwork Prince, and I just had to write this chapter from Jem's pov. The credit of course, goes to Miss Clare.**

"_Ni hen piao liang"_

_Damn you, Will! Why do you do things like this? Why must you mock me?_

I could not help mentally cursing Will after what he had done. He had forced me to bring myself to the worst part of London. Will may not have sent me a formal letter, notifying me of his location, but it was my duty to find him. We are _parabatai. _But what had truly angered me was the fact that Tessa came too! She should not have ever been in such a horrid place.

I stormed around the room, clenching my hands in an attempt to suppress my anger. It was not working.

Wearing only trousers and white shirtsleeves I drew my precious violin from its resting place. Then sat down on the trunk, laid it upon my shoulder, and looked straight ahead.

As I drew the bow across the strings, a horrible screech sounded. I ignored it, even knowing that I was not playing correctly. My hand was settled too heavily on the bow while my movements were much too harsh. I simply did not care. Destroying my most valuable possession was my way of releasing the fury inside me. And what did it matter if I destroyed it now? I will cease to exist in another decade.

The door burst open, but I did not look up. Instead I continued to viciously scrape the bow across the violin's steel strings.

"Jem," I heard her whisper.

I only pressed harder, forcing a high-pitched scream to erupt from my innocent violin. A string broke in the process.

"_Jem!"_ she shrieked again.

She ran over and wrenched the bow from my hands.

"Jem, _stop! _Your violin—your lovely violin—you'll ruin it."

I looked up, ashamed that Tessa was seeing me in such a state. She was so beautiful, no matter her mood. Nevertheless, I was angry and morbid, and not even Tessa could change that now.

"What does it matter?" I hissed. "What does any of it matter? I'm dying. I won't outlast the decade. What does it matter if the violin goes before I do?"

Her sweet lips contorted a frown.

I stood to stare at the streets of London through my window. An older man and woman held each other's hands as a carriage rolled up next to them. The man opened the door and pulled himself inside, he then turned to the woman who took his hand and closed the carriage door.

I felt a new wave of rage wash over me. _I will never have that. I can never marry the woman of my dreams and grow old with her at my side. _Tessa, _the woman of my every fantasy, my every dream, my every thought, _could never be mine. Tears stung my eyes, making me feel weaker than I already was.

"You know it is true," I finally said.

"Nothing is decided," her voice cracked slightly. "Nothing is inevitable. A cure—"

"There's no cure," I sighed, lowering my voice as to not upset her, that was the last thing I would want to do. "I will die, and you know it, Tess. Probably within the next year. I am dying, and I have no family in the world, and the one person I trusted more than any other made sport of what is killing me." I tightened my fist, remembering him, lying in the bed at the drug den, not a care in the world.

"But, Jem, I don't think that's what Will meant to do at all." _Oh yes, very well, take his side,_ I thought bitterly. "He was just trying to escape. He is running from something, something dark and awful. You know he is, Jem. You saw how he was after—after Cecily."

She was right, yet I still felt cynical. I turned to carelessly toss the violin on the trunk. Tessa stood close enough for me touch, if I just extended my hand to her lovely face. "He knows what it means to me. To see him even toy with what has destroyed my life—"

Her tone was earnest, "But he wasn't thinking of you—"

"_I know that." _A bead of sweat slid down my neck. "I tell myself he's better than he makes himself out to be, but, Tessa, what if he isn't? I have always thought, if I had nothing else, I had Will. If I have done nothing else that made my life matter, I have always stood by him. But perhaps I shouldn't."

Her eyes widened as she touched my forehead, checking my temperature like a nurse.

I stepped back, _how could she? Am I just a sick boy who needs nursing to you, Tessa?_

She looked hurt. "Jem, what is it? You don't want me touch you?"

_Of couse I want you to touch me, but by the Angel not __**that**__ way. _"Not like that." I snapped, and felt my face flush.

"Like what?" Her gray eyes wide with bewilderment.

"As if you were a nurse and I were your patient," I stated unevenly. "You think because I am ill that I am not like—" I drew a shaky breath. "Do you think I do not know that when you take my hand, it is only so that you can feel my pulse?" She looked down. "Do you think I do not know that when you look into my eyes, it is only to see how much of the drug I have taken?" She looked up and shook her head. "If I were another man, a normal man, I might have hopes, presumptions even; I might—" _even_ _ask you to marry me. _I felt out of breath, as if I had just finished running through the streets around the Institute.

Tessa shook her head again, tossing her hair. "This is the fever speaking, not you."

I ground my teeth together as I turned away from her. "You can't even believe I could want you," I whispered. "That I am alive enough, healthy enough—"

"No—" She touched my arm, I stiffened. "James, that isn't at all what I meant—"

Turning, I reached my arm around to grasp her thin hand in mine and pulled her against my chest. It was improper, I knew, but I had wanted to hold her close since the night I met her.

"Tessa," I breathed.

She searched my eyes for a warning, some kind notion that I would pull away. I watched in disbelief as she slowly raised her head and closed her eyes.

I lowered my head as well, closing my eyes as I pressed my lips to hers for the very first time. She froze, but melted with me soon after. How many nights had I spent dreaming about kissing her red lips? How many times had I fantasized about wrapping my arms around her beautiful body or entwining my hands in her soft hair?

Hundreds. Hundreds upon hundreds of peaceful days and improper nights I would spend thinking of Tessa, and yet not one of them could even compare to the reality of truly kissing her.

Tessa's mouth moved with mine, making us one. I gently guided her closer, pressing the back of her neck with my hand. My other hand cupped her face as I rubbed my thumb over her warm cheek. It was all so improper, she should push away, _I _should push away, no matter how painful it may be. She moved her arms from my chest.

_Please do not push away. Please stay with me Tessa._

Instead of stopping all the impropriety, she raised her arms to clasp around my neck, pulling me closer. I gasped, I was so sure she would leave, so sure she would say this was wrong. I could not help but still for a moment. Her hands smoothed the knots in my shoulders, rubbing the sides of my neck.

"Do not pause," she breathed.

Hesitantly, I slid my hands down her neck, through the waves of her hair and back up again, caressing her pretty face. She shivered as I brought my lips down to hers once more. Encouraged, I daringly slid my tongue along her bottom lip, she pushed closer.

She shivered as I stroked her cheeks and she very quietly murmured "Jem" against my mouth. I lowered my hands to the small of her back, pressing her tighter against me. She slipped, pulling me down with her to the bed.

I went mildly crazy as she wound her fingers into my shirt, pulling my body onto hers. It was a challenge to think properly. _Is she all right? Am I too heavy—_I lost my train of thought when she ran her hands through my hair, pressing feather light kisses along my face and neck.

I ran my hands down her shoulders, over her chest to feel the light impression of her breasts underneath her dressing gown. I was breathing hard as my fingers slipped, making it difficult to untie the ribbon that held the gown closed. She looked at me as I watched her hands loosen the tie of her dressing gown. It fell from her shoulders, leaving her in only a sheer nightgown.

Swallowing, I silently met her gaze, asking permission.

I raised my entire body, slowly taking my eyes from hers to her bare shoulders. It felt so incredibly inappropriate to stare at her chest, where I could not help but notice the full curve of each breast. I swallowed again, following the slender slope of her hips to the long legs beneath. Tessa was so painfully beautiful, I still could not believe I had the honor of looking upon her in such light.

I huskily repeated what I said to her in the carriage, _"Ni hen piao liang."_

"What does it mean?" she whispered.

I smiled, "It means that you are beautiful. I did not want to tell you before. I did not want you to think I was taking liberties."

She touched my cheek and trailed her finger lower to the pulse on my throat, causing it to quicken. I closed my eyes, relishing in her touch.

"Take them," she murmured against my ear.

An involuntary moan erupted from the back of my throat as I kissed her with renewed fervor. I pulled her tight against me, suddenly not close enough. We fell sideways, and Tessa tightly fastened her legs around my waist causing my eyes to roll back and my lids to flutter.

We were so close, yet still not close enough. Her hands shook as she grasped the buttons of my shirt. I was ready to tear it off, when she ripped the collar open. I shrugged it off as she gazed at me, ready to see what lay underneath. I took a deep breath, suddenly self-conscious about her seeing my naked chest.

"I know," I looked down, very scared of what she would say. Would she tell me to leave? More awful scenarios began forming in my head as I stuttered nervously, "I am not—I mean, I look—"

She smiled, "Beautiful." My eyes widened, Tessa thought I was _beautiful._ "You are beautiful, James Carstairs."

Still in shock, she traced the marks on my chest then continued to draw a line down my ribs, and followed the length of my stomach only to reach the top of my trousers. A shock of heat spread throughout my body, making me tremble.

She kept her beautiful slim legs twined around my torso, holding me prisoner. I should have been tied up and left to starve for my felony. I could not keep my hands from roaming and exploring her stunning body. The skirt of her nightdress slid upward, revealing more of her flawless legs.

_Oh God, Tessa. You may be the death of me._

I gingerly laid my hands on her legs, moving them up, embracing the softness and curves of each one. She sighed as I skimmed my hands higher, reaching the tops of her thighs. Our kisses grew heated as I explored more of the bare skin underneath her nightgown. Her hips shivered as I ran my fingers along the side of her waist, trailing higher, ghosting over her soft chest.

Feeling, touching her was truly incredible. Yet I wanted to _see_ her too, I wanted to gaze upon her miraculous body while I kissed every line and curve of her perfect beauty.

I lifted my hands to the buttons of her nightdress, separating each one. The dress slid aside, revealing the soft, naked skin of her shoulder. Lowering my head to her neck, I savored the pleasure of hearing her gasp as I softly kissed her shoulder.

Tessa's hand shot out, knocking a pillow from the bed. It hit the small night table with a crash.

_No, please, no. _I knew what was on that table. Fear jerked me up, afraid of what I might see. But there it lay, a thin sheen of silver powder dusted the floor.

I reluctantly unwrapped myself from Tessa, clambering to the floor to save the drug that would only kill me later.

"Tess," I whispered, ashamed for her to see me like this. "You can't touch this stuff. To get it on your skin would be—dangerous." _To say the least._ "Even to breathe it in—Tessa, you must go."

She insisted on staying. "I _won't _go. Jem, I can help you clean it up. I am—"

_You are what, a friend? _I scowled, _you can't be, not after…_

"Please," I whispered. "I do not want you to see me on my knees, grubbing around on the floor for the drug that I need to live. That is not how any man wants the girl he—" _loves to see him. _I took a ragged breath. "I'm sorry, Tessa." _You deserve better._

She leaned forward and kissed my cheek in sympathy. The door closed and I was left alone with the drug that had ruined my life.

**Thanks for reading! Reviews will be greatly appreciated!**


	2. The Next Day

**Forbidden1991 suggested that it would be interesting to see the ****next day**** in Jem's pov. I agree, so here is his thoughts. :****) I am so so sorry for not updating anything... Life caught up to me and I got really busy over the past year. **

The Next Day

_My lips tasted her. My body burned for her. We fell on the bed, our bodies tangling together and our lips still tightly bound. I kneeled over her, careful of my weight on top. She clasped her long legs around my waist, making me delirious. I couldn't help but sigh as I touched such flawless beauty. Her nightgown inched upward, revealing more of her beautiful body. I pulled the gown aside and pressed my lips to the bare flesh of her shoulder…_

Gasping, my eyes flew open. I sat up too quickly and the room twisted before me. Cold sweat slid down my flustered neck. It had to be a dream. Tessa and I would never have behaved so improperly.

The drug. It had fallen from the table when Tessa, I swallowed my shame, knocked it over. I threw the covers off my bare chest and grasped the tiny silver box from my bedside table. A thin layer of silver dusted the black velvet of the box. There was more than just that yesterday…

I was horrified at my actions, at my behavior, at myself...

The darkest corner of my mind began to wander, what would have happened if the box had not fallen? Tessa's pale shoulder clouded my vision. My body traitorously warmed in response. I willed the discipline of anger and self-loathing upon myself, yet there was still a fraction thinking of Tessa.

Why would I behave so? I scoffed, of course I know why. Lust, want, need. They drive one to do the most unspeakable things. I glared at the silver lid as I hastily set the box down, the only evidence of last night besides the painfully beautiful memory.

I hung my head in shame. Oh, what she must think of me. Will she forgive me? Would she ever forgive me? I could have destroyed our simple yet beautiful friendship. I may want more, but her friendship will be always far better than nothing! My fingers wound into the length of my hair. And I could have ruined everything. I tugged vigorously at the silver roots. If it was not for me having to go fetch Will at that horrid drug den, then none of it would have ever happened. I would not have been trying to find a release for my anger. I would not have treated Tessa so improperly. None of it would have ever happened… I glanced at the bed, but would I have wanted that? Would I truly have wanted to traded such a sweetly bitter memory? Sighing, I released the tangled roots of my scalp. It was far from the right thing, but I would rather have the precious memory than to never have experienced it at all.

My stomach growled impatiently. I smiled without much true humor and slid off the bed to change into a fresh shirt and a simple pair of trousers. Ignoring the mirror beside my dresser I paired grey shoes and socks with my simple ensemble. Physical preparation was simple, mentally I was preparing to see the woman I now feared far more than death.

~oOo~

"So perhaps not an opium den precisely," Will sighed, "but still a den. Of vice!" I could imagine him raising a proud hand in proving his point. I was not surprised to hear him speaking of his escapade last night.

"Oh, dear, not one of those places that's run by ifrits," Charlotte sighed. "Really, Will-"

"Exactly one of those places," I calmly strolled into the room and could not help but steal a glance at Tessa. She blushed ever so faintly as I slid into the seat farthest from her beside Charlotte. I could not sit by her, not today. "Off Whitechapel High Street."

"And how do you and Tessa know so much about it?" Jessamine's asked, her eyes bright. I should not have been surprised that Tessa was describing our version of the journey to that wretched den.

"I used a tracking spell to find Will last night." Will looked down, avoiding my eyes. "I was growing concerned at his absence. I thought he might have forgotten the way back to the Institute." It was understandable, when you are high out of your mind.

"You worry too much," Jessamine shrugged delicately. "It's silly."

"You're quite right. I won't make that mistake again," I said lightly and reached for the kedgeree dish. "As it turned out, Will wasn't in need of my assistance at all."

Will pointed to his bruised eye. "I seem to have woken up with what they call a Monday mouse." He raised a dark eyebrow, challenging me. "Any idea where I got it?"

"None." I lied, forcing myself not to lash out. Tell him off for being such a selfish, lowly coward. Instead I shrugged and poured myself a generous cup of tea.

"Eggs," Henry sighed, staring at his plate. "I do love eggs. I could eat them all day." I loved Henry, but today he seemed awfully annoying.

"Was there really a need to bring Tessa with you to Whitechapel?" Charlotte slid off her glasses and placed them on the newspaper; her deep brown eyes searching me.

"Tessa is not made of delicate china. She will not break," but I will. Memories of last night washed over me, drowing my conscience again. Tessa's sweet whispers in my ear. Her small hands clinging to me as if I could protect her. The way her grey eyes widened as I told her she was beautiful, so painfully beautiful... the way I felt when she said I was beautiful.

I risked a glance across the table, attempting to catch her eyes. She intently stared down her teacup. It was hopeless, she would not even look at me now. Then I caught the blush staining her cheeks.

"You might be surprised to know," said Will, "that I saw something rather interesting in the opium den."

"I'm sure you did," Charlotte sighed. I felt sorry for her, always listening to our troubles.

"Was it an egg?" asked Henry.

Will ignored him. "Downworlders, almost all werewolves."

"There's nothing interesting about werewolves." Jessamine sounded greatly aggravated. "We're focusing on finding Mortmain now, Will if you haven't forgotten, not some drug-addled Downworlders."

"They were buying yin fen," I ignored my tea to meet Will's raised brows. "Buckets of it."

"They had already begun to change color. Quite a few had silver hair, or eyes. Even their skin had started to silver over." He steadily held his eyes on me, I glanced at my pale hands.

"This is very disturbing." Charlotte frowned, devising a way to handle the newly found issue. "We should speak to Woolsey Scott as soon as this Mortmain matter is cleared up. If there is an issue of addiction to warlock powders in his packs, he will want to know about it."

"Don't you think he already does?" Will precariously leaned back in his chair. He seemed pleased to have finally received the proper reaction to his story. "It is his pack, after all."

"His pack is all of London's wolves," I argued. "He can't possibly keep real track of of them all."

"I'm not sure if you want to wait," he frowned. "If you can get hold of Scott, I'd speak to him as soon as possible."

Charlotte's head tipped to the side like a curious little robin. "And why is that?"

The legs of his chair smacked the ground as it came down. "Because one of the ifrits asked a werewolf why he needed so much yin fen. Apparently it works on werewolves as a stimulant. The answer was that it pleased the Magister that the drug kept them working all night long."

She set her cup down in its saucer with a clatter. "Working on what?"

Will smirked mischievously, clearly pleased he had our attention. "I've no idea. I lost consciousness about then. I was having a lovely dream about a young woman who had mislaid nearly all her clothes…" I rolled my eyes and continued eating my toast. Tessa had not spoken recently and I glanced her way.

She sat with her back straight as a board, but her head was still downcast as she quietly stirred her tea.

"Dear God," I thought she may have been shocked at what Will had said. "I hope Scott isn't caught up with the Magister. De Quincey first, now the wolves-all our allies. The Accords…"

"I'm sure it will be all right, Charlotte," Henry said while spearing his egg. "Scott doesn't seem the sort to get tangled up with Mortmain's sort."

"Perhaps you should be there when I speak with him," Charlotte's eyes lit up. "Nominally, you are the head of the Institute-"

Henry's eyes widened in sheer horror. "Oh, no. Darling, you'll be quite all right without me. You're such a genius where these negations are concerned, and I'm simply not. And besides, the invention I'm working on now could shatter the whole clockwork army into pieces if I get the formulation right!"

He looked around the table proudly, his smile stretching across his face. Charlotte stared at him for a while then pushed her chair in and left without another word.

Will lazily watched Henry and asked, "Nothing ever disturbs your circles, does it, Henry?"

He blinked, focusing on Will. "What do you mean?"

I spoke up, "Archimedes. He was drawing a mathematical diagram in the sand when his city was attacked by Romans. He was so intent on what he was that he didn't see the soldier coming up behind him. His last words were 'Do not disturb my circles.' Of course, he was an old man by then."

"And he was probably never married," Will grinned at me from across the table.

Without returning his smile, I stood, refusing to look at anyone, and left the room just as Charlotte had.

"Oh, bother," I heard Jessamine mutter. "Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in a fury? Because I simply haven't got the..."

Her voice soon blended into the stone walls behind me and I could not care less.

I was determined to speak with Tessa, one way or another.

~oOo~

I counted the steps from Charlotte's office to Tessa's door, _443. _

The corridor burned with dim witchlight. Tessa's wood door was a beacon in the low light. I sighed, endless hours I had spent preparing for this moment, and _this _would be the moment. Yet, I could not seem to do it.

I had spent the day arguing with myself about the proper time and place to speak to her. I had tried several other times, but each was in vain. I would take a few steps to my bedroom door, only to wilt like a spineless coward when I held the brass knob. Building the courage was challenging enough, yet finding the right words to say was a much different tale.

That had led to many failed attempts of apologizing to her. Now it was night, similar to the one before. I steadily paced back and forth in front of her door. It was not the best of places to sort your thoughts. If someone saw me, they would assume something improper was occurring between Tessa and I. But had not something _already_ improper occurred between us the night before? The memory of kissing her shoulder had blurred my vision too many times today.

I paced faster across the worn carpet and tightly clasped my hands behind my back, allowing the nails to sink in. Charlotte would say I was "wearing a path in the carpet".

Tessa's lovely form melted in my arms as I held her close. Her lips parted, red and inviting as I memorized each angle of her lovely face. I shook my head, so desperately trying to rid the images that had been thoroughly taunting me all day. Her sheer nightgown covered her from neck to toe, but _I could still see every heavenly curve beneath. _The soft impression of her breasts showed through her gown, clouding my mind. I almost tripped over my feet from walking so quickly. My hands roamed her legs, reaching higher to grasp her firm hips…

I shook my head once more. I wanted to properly apologize to her, for more things than I could count. I would confess my adoration at her feet, show how truly sorry I was for thinking of her in such light.

Will she forgive me for treating as if she were mine? A sharp wave of sorrow overwhelmed me. Such an intelligent, beautiful, perfect woman could never be mine. Never.

I fought back blinding tears. It was not fair and it never would be. I was just as much of a man as any other. I felt for the woman I loved, in every way possible. Sickness, not even death, could eradicate the feelings I had for Tessa. A shrivel of hope clutched my heart as I breathed my darkest secret.

"I... I love Tessa."

My pacing on the rug slowed and I loosened the grip on my wrists. I had certainly entertained the idea before. She was kind, thoughtful, beautiful, everything any man could ask for. The thought was always there, lurking in my subconscious. Love, was something I used sparingly. There were very few people I ever truly loved. And few who deserved it.

Could I speak of such feelings? Would she listen? Or simply push me away? If I told her, would I loose her? I tugged at my blood spotted sleeve. I could never admit my true feelings, even to myself, because I knew the truth. I had nothing-

"James," I felt my face burn.

I jerked my head up. Will was soaked, his black hair matted against his scalp. I backed away from Tessa's door, horrified at how this looked. My face went blank as I focused on what to say.

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find you wandering the halls at all hours."

"I think we can agree that the reverse is more out of character." He frowned, "Why are you awake? Are you all right?"

I shot a glance at Tessa's door once more then looked back to Will. The truth would suffice, "I was going to apologize to Tessa I think my violin playing was keeping her awake," _partially_. "Where have you been? Assignation with Six-Fingered Nigel again?"

Will grinned, but I was still worried he could tell I was lying. "I've something for you, actually. Come along, let me into your room. I don't want to spend all night standing about in the hall."

I hesitated for a moment, but shrugged and casually pushed my door open with Will close behind.

**Thank you for reading!** **Again, I apologize for falling off the face of the planet.**


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